Our Daddy Is Invincible!

"Our daddy is the bravest man we know. We are so glad that he is here to see us grow" 

 Our Daddy Is Invincible! is a book for children and families explaining life after a traumatic brain injury. Written by the wife of wounded veteran LtCol Tim Maxwell, USMC, author Shannon Maxwell puts together a much needed resource for our families, helping to put into words and pictures what so many of us are trying to say to our kids: Everything is going to be ok, and daddy is still daddy. Read the full digital book here.

If you know a family dealing with combat injury, consider purchasing a copy as a gift to send to them. Parents with young children, this may be a good read to sit and share with your child. Remember, it's not about recreating what used to be, but finding the new normal. Thank you Shannon for giving all of us a tool to begin a few very important conversations. 

Mental Health Day

Doggies can have jobs too, which means sometimes they get tummy bugs cus they ate a cricket off the floor that may have had insecticide on it. Or maybe it's just Shabbat. Either way, I think he's enjoying his time. 

Lessons for Heroes and Healers

Lessons for Heroes and Healers is a Google plus community that teaches and supports. Learn tips and share ideas on how to heal from combat experiences.

Rebuilding is a community wide event, this platform is appropriate for anyone involved in bringing about recovery from combat experience: veterans, spouses, family members, and community helpers alike. This is not a catch all group collecting everything that is out there, rather a carefully curated source to filter some of the noise, and share what is the most effective. 

We believe in Post-Traumatic Growth.

Some categories include: 

Getting Organized: Foundational tools to help you set up and prepare for the journey of advocacy and recovery.

Read, Watch, Learn: An articles section that will hold a cache of news, scientific research, opinion, and healing method ideas, all which lend toward growth and recovery.

Gather Your Resources: This section will share organizations, companies, and foundations great to get connected with. We are not meant to do this alone, allow support from others in your life. 

...and more. See for yourself today, contribute to the collective voice what has truly helped you. Do join us. 

Let Me Google That For You

A tip for veterans with service dogs:(and people who see them)

It is not appropriate to ask a person why they have a service dog. Many people approach my husband, who presents very well and looks healthy to others, asking about his. I can tell you, it triggers his PTSD. Very much. If people are curious enough, they can go home and Google it.... The veteran and caregiver are not responsible for educating society one by one.

We often joke about making business cards with the "Let me Google that for you" link on them to give people a clue, just so he doesn't have to talk. It would have a QR code and link that takes you to something like this.

If you are a veteran with a service dog, learn to say no to others who intrude. It is healthy to keep your boundaries and privacy. Practice at home before you are faced with a public situation and rehearse how to use body language and assertive communication to let others know you are not interested in having a conversation.
My husband was taught to put up his hand so a person will stop approaching first, then respond "I prefer not to_____" if a question is asked. 

We have been surprised how many people do not understand how intrusive it is to inquire, but it is challenging us to attain skills of keeping our boundaries, and that is something I am grateful for.

Caregiver Reversal Tips

My helper hero

Caregiver reversal: this is what happens when one who is normally being taken care of needs to temporarily return the favor, if possible, to the maximum of his or her ability. This began happening to my husband last month. 

I found myself flat on my back for more than a few weeks recently, unable to drive, clean, work, mother....just done for and useless. So, what is an injured veteran and his service dog to do with such a situation? I mean, who's gonna be overly responsible for him if I'm off the job?

Turns out, he's going to have to. Here's some ideas if this happens to you. Remember, bring prepared is better than being surprised and clueless-

1. Talk to your caregiver, now patient, and remember to use actual words.

2. Don't forget to reach out your hand and touch the other person once, maybe twice. It's ok, you can do this. 

3. Try to leave the corner of the room long enough to take your caregiver a splash of water.

4. If you feed and water them, they might start to feel better.

5. Bravely text or email a friend of caregiver to help.

6. Breathe in, breathe out. 

I kid, I kid... at the beginning of our recent role reversal he did seem a little panicked. But, any man on the planet probably would be. In all actuality, he was more than amazing. He did ask for support and took such great nurturing care of me. I am still on the mend, but so much better. More than anything, I am amazed at what he accomplished. This was, despite the unfortunate event of having surgery, the most healing experience of my lifetime to have him at my side as I recover. Thank you lovely, big, strong, caring, veteran husband. You completely rock. 

Shaky Ground

I stand somewhere between comfortable abuses and freedom of voice. And I have no idea in this gray space what is right or wrong. 

These are the moments in-between where guessing and assuming reign. Also where questioning my own actions play a one track repeat in my head over and over and over. It’s insidious. 

For years, many years even previous to my marriage and family, this has been boiling. I’ve run and protected myself from past immediate family, seeking safety. Emotional and physical. And the reasons I ran seemed minimal, but perhaps they weren’t so much. And this boiled, and my choice in a husband wasn’t their favorite, and this boiled,… and I had children met with family expressions of disappointment,.. and this boiled. And we struggled and did not do things in the proper order as they saw, and this boiled. And my husband fought a war, and came home a mess, and this boiled. And their feelings about him not being the perfect pick were validated as he fell into turmoil with combat PTSD and TBI,.. and this boiled. And they did not believe me, and those that may have believed me didn’t seem to care. And this boiled…until one day he started getting better. Then “we” started getting better, and I learned so many things about us, myself, our kids and families, as we had struggled. Yet this still boiled. I learned I deserved to be treated well, and my husband deserved the same. And what was happening was they were wanting us to meet all their social expectations without accommodating or even beginning to try understanding our disabilities. And if we did not meet those, we were shamed by them. Thought less of, and put further in a corner. 

I finally decided I was tired of showing up to gatherings treated as the loser. The family member who married “that” guy. The ones who forgot to mail a gift or could’t drive out of town to get together. The ones who forgot to write back or make a call. Ok, fair enough. And I felt as if they thought they were doing us a favor to invite us. We were tolerated, not welcomed. Of course our kids are magical and loved, but I found I was no longer able to step into the same room with these people assuming how they felt, determining this by the energy I received from them. Hell, I am not sure I could ever do that well. The utter silence. The culture of unwelcoming was running rampant. By this time both of my siblings had ceased communication with me, citing their reason as an unreturned email that one time back a long time ago. Really? If that is all it took, there was nothing of a relationship there to hold onto anyway. And really, there wasn’t.

I finally learned, as friends treated me with more compassion and concern than exteneded family through these difficult years, that I was thinking this through all wrong. I learned I was trying so hard to impress and show up for the wrong people. I’ve spent years silent, coping with the horrors of my husband and daughter’s disability alone, without family concern. My husband and I go through this weird PTSD thing when we have to go over to a party or holiday, and it causes us heartache and turmoil. Especially him, though I think he handles it so well, could you imagine? Always showing up somewhere people make it kinda' obvious they hate you? And willingly repeat it? I don’t want him to have to do that any longer. And I don’t want to feel the horrible way I feel after a get together, always re-realizing how much I don’t matter to them as a person. As a sister or daughter. It is all so fake. Follow the protocol of showing up, and shut up is what's expected...”We get to treat you however we want, you are lucky we let you be here. We only think your kids are ok, you suck. You’re here cus’ we want your kids here. You are lucky you are in this family.”

Guess what, no I am not.

I finally said NO this weekend. I won’t go to the next kid's birthday party, because I don’t want to feel the tension that builds up before I go, and the depression afterward. I don’t want to be reminded how much everyone disapproves of my spouse, and dishonors his experiences in the war and in health. I want to save my energy to be happy for my own kids and spouse. And I feel bad for my kids not going, and I’m turning this around in my head. But enough is enough. I have to stand up and say it is not ok anymore. I want to be with those who care, those who possess understanding and compassion for us. Those who are on our side, not against us. Those who have love. 

images by Brave Girls Club

Be Understanding of Your PTSD Family Members and Friends

"I think Christmas is one of the most difficult times of the year for a PTSD family. The one with PTSD is forced to put him or herself into certain trigger situations, simply because it is socially expected of them. Even though most extended family will not try to accommodate their disability. The spouse is then forced to act as a bumper to anything that will trigger them and usually fail because the extended family makes it impossible for success. All the spouse wants is a happy holiday and has waited years for it. Said "failure" to control the environment causes lot of stress on the couple. Please know I'm thinking of each and everyone of you. Both sides of the partnerships. We all deserve a measure of peace." -Shannah 

Discrimination and Stupidity

My husband went to P Terry's, a local hamburger restaurant, with Echo recently. When he ordered, the lady said:

"Sir, no dogs can be in here" 

Marco says: 

"He's my service dog" 

She just says "Oh" and walks away. 

As he is eating, another worker talks to him from behind the order counter, in front of all the other customers: 

"Sir, I know you are blind and all but your dog can't be in here because of allergens and stuff" 

Marco lifts his glasses up and replies:

"First of all, I'm not blind..." 

Then other customers interrupted and stuck up for him explaining to the P Terry's staff they didn't understand ADA law and should really get it together. 

He later received an apology via text after a complaint was made. 

Fast forward to today when he has finally decided to make the move to attend college with his GI Bill. Such a brave move for him. When he sent an email to make an appointment to create his class plan and register, here was the University's reply: 

Good morning Marco,

Thank you for your email.  Before we meet, I wanted to ask you if you are requesting for accommodations to have your service dog with you in the classroom.  My Campus Center Director is Yvonne Moduno and she wanted me to ask you this because this will conflict with our property management guidelines and Park University stance in regards to service animals in the classroom.

Please let me know and if you have any questions.

Thank you. 

Cynthia Tafoya, Assistant Director

Veteran Affairs Certifying Official

Park University

First of all, she is the Veteran Affairs Certifying Official. Shouldn't she be a little less clue-less? Combat veterans are receiving service dogs for combat related issues and she should be aware of that outside of us educating her. It's part of her job. As well as understand ADA law. She called his dog a "Service Dog" in her response, yet explained he wasn't allowed. Let's all learn to write an email and follow ADA law! Secondly, I was directed to the head of disability accommodations in Missouri to resolve this matter, since "she understands ADA law better" than the two ladies mentioned in this letter. The head of disability accommodations also did not grasp how Echo was not a "therapy dog" and could not understand how he provides a "service." She also violated ADA, even while quoting it to me, by asking for paperwork, certification, or proof of some kind as well as "where we got him."

We are not even a year into this journey, and these are only a couple of the stories we have encountered. Here is the problem, every time someone confronts us about Echo, it triggers my veteran husband, and we tailspin for a day or two until he recovers. How is this helping?

Please learn your ADA law businesses. Your Veterans need you to be a good, supportive, educated community. They sacrificed a lot for you. 

"Some people are surprised to learn there are no government officials paying surprise visits to employers, state and local government agencies or businesses to see if they are in compliance. So consider yourself a member of the "ADA enforcement team."

Join The Conversation

From time to time we open up a discussion thread here on Simply Peachy to share each other's ideas. After a speech I gave this week on Veterans, there was a common question I received from the public and local VFW leaders, mostly from the Vietnam conflict, which brings me to the topic I would like to hear your thoughts on: Why is transition to civilian life for OIF/OEF soldiers seemingly more difficult than previous conflicts? 

 Join the conversation here: Post 9/11 Warriors 

Examples:

Escalated suicide rates: We lose an average of 18 veterans a day to suicide in the United States, and outpacing combat deaths.

Homelessness: Veteran homelessness ccurrence is happening much faster compared to the vietnam conflict, 18 months now vs 5 years after Vietnam.  

Higher Unemployment rates: "The unemployment rate for young veterans from Iraq and Afghanistan spiked to 12.7% — more than 4 percentage points higher than the national average. For veterans ages 18 to 24 years old, the outlook was even worse-nearly 30 percent unemployment."

References and Further reading: 

Solving the Riddle of Veteran Unemployment -Forbes

Suicides Eclipse War Deaths for US Troops- NY Times  

Who Are our Veterans- American Progress

Dance of the Day

Again, early in the morning along with the sunrise.... we danced. This was the perfect song for today in light of all we are learning about love lately. Enjoy, and dance :)