We have been having a good time lately, we meaning me. I have been choosing to do things I love to do, and doing them daily to help me stay happy. It’s working too. Being outdoors in the sun, doing yoga, meditating, riding my bike and feeling relaxed, and writing. So I’ve made them all a priority in the day. It sort of started as, “I love this and I have to do it all the time!” type of obsession. And I told myself “it’s ok to do something I love everyday,..” so I kept doing it. Then doubt started to creep in. Actually, it was always there but as the newness of things wore if it got louder and louder. At first I felt spoiled, like I didn’t deserve it. “Who was I to do something I loved every day? Why should I get to? Who am I to leave the prison of fear and worry and go outside and feel alive? Shouldn’t I be inside huddled in a corner figuring out how to get out of debt, write enough thank you notes to everyone who has helped us, feel bad about the ones I forgot to send, ruminate about my expectations vs my reality, be concerned about ways people felt let down by me because my personal capacities couldn’t contain their needs… instead of cycling down a sunny trail? Aren’t I not allowed to enjoy life this often yet until I right all my wrongs? Mustn’t I dig myself out of it unpleasantly and uncomfortably because I should feel bad for the things I did imperfectly?” And so all the dark thoughts went in my head. I did not realize how much I was still allowing these ideas to stop me from being present and whole.
But every time I moved my foot one more revolution on that star through the crisp air of an Austin mild winter, I learned to get farther from these lies. No, being inside feeling ashamed will not help me heal, recover, or build to what I need to become to move through this phase and past that other phase of life. This bike, this trail, the ground beneath me and the feel of how a season changes from day to day on my skin are exactly what I need. That moment on the yoga mat that I opened up my heart to the sky and became willing, that is what I needed all along. Moving the pencil across the paper and through every page of the notebook until the lead is all gone and my heart is all poured, breathing into my belly and feeling the air move through me as the figure eight of an infinity circle up one side of my body, through the middle, and down the other, blowing out the un-ending thoughts with my breath as if they are clouds floating away and relieving me of the burden carrying them all the time, my mind clears. And I am here, and it’s all about now, and finally I can feel it in my body and see it with my eyes without being afraid. And it’s all ok. I feel I belong here now. And my life is deserving of happiness and some time in the sunshine. So I glow.