This form does not yet contain any fields.

    hope that no matter what difficulties arise in family, health, or finances, a family can survive it and get to the other side. 'How' is not just one response, rather it's an evolving idea. Solutions present themselves as you go along the path. As you seek the thing it is you want to achieve, so will an idea come to you. I do not attribute it to a god or a religion, though I may have one or both of those. This is life. Hope. Live with me,... 



    How would you like your content...



    l i v e   f o r   t o d a y

    Entries in rebuilding (29)


    The Spaces Between

    I am overwhelmed with emotion today.

    I am feeling broken hearted since this morning.

    Nothing is wrong per se, but everything is changing. Everyday. And I fear, I worry, I am getting lost. I don’t want to get lost. This old idea of what I thought should be is swallowing me up and I am so unconscious of it, my being just sinks easily into the tide of it all. 

    I fought so hard to realize a dream, I fought so hard for the souls of my kids, I fought to keep together the best of what I thought they needed and help my husband. I fought for the love I once felt by his side, in those brief moments of our past histories together. I realize it was worth the fight. Finally after so many years do I get to be in a relationship I am enjoying, for the first time in such a really very long time.

    Of course I am emotional. Of course my heart is breaking. Of course everything I have ever created and known in order to survive is tumbling down in it’s preparation to let this newness in and rebuild. I am broken, I am so incredibly humbled. 


    Everything is so unbelievable right now, I don’t even have the words... 


    If Being Afraid is A Crime We'd Hang Side by Side 

    He wasn't feeling so good. I woke up frustrated. We ran out of almond milk for "cereal" so I started cracking eggs at the last minute. He began to explain all the reasons he didn't feel well, but all I wanted was to dance and say good morning to him. It was the morning after our youngest turned ten and my realizing how short life is with children, and how quickly phases pass. He was on his way to the Substance Abuse Treatment Program at the Veteran's Administration Outpatient Clinic in South Austin for the third time this week. I was preparing for a Department of Rehabilitative Services Transition and Vocational Rehabilitation division intake completion for Shelemyah. So we danced together, and Sheme stared at us very closely so she could see well. Commentary by her and Levi commenced as they gathered around us, cus you know as a parent there are very controversially blurred boundary lines for personal space. And we continued, falling into our own bubble of time for just a moment to start the day... 

    each day we dance together, before the kids and the noise and the business takes over. Sometimes I share the song, and here is how it started


    There Are No Shoulds

    We have been having a good time lately, we meaning me. I have been choosing to do things I love to do, and doing them daily to help me stay happy. It’s working too. Being outdoors in the sun, doing yoga, meditating, riding my bike and feeling relaxed, and writing. So I’ve made them all a priority in the day. It sort of started as, “I love this and I have to do it all the time!” type of obsession. And I told myself “it’s ok to do something I love everyday,..” so I kept doing it. Then doubt started to creep in. Actually, it was always there but as the newness of things wore if it got louder and louder. At first I felt spoiled, like I didn’t deserve it. “Who was I to do something I loved every day? Why should I get to? Who am I to leave the prison of fear and worry and go outside and feel alive? Shouldn’t I be inside huddled in a corner figuring out how to get out of debt, write enough thank you notes to everyone who has helped us, feel bad about the ones I forgot to send, ruminate about my expectations vs my reality, be concerned about ways people felt let down by me because my personal capacities couldn’t contain their needs… instead of cycling down a sunny trail? Aren’t I not allowed to enjoy life this often yet until I right all my wrongs? Mustn’t I dig myself out of it unpleasantly and uncomfortably because I should feel bad for the things I did imperfectly?” And so all the dark thoughts went in my head. I did not realize how much I was still allowing these ideas to stop me from being present and whole. 

    But every time I moved my foot one more revolution on that star through the crisp air of an Austin mild winter, I learned to get farther from these lies. No, being inside feeling ashamed will not help me heal, recover, or build to what I need to become to move through this phase and past that other phase of life. This bike, this trail, the ground beneath me and the feel of how a season changes from day to day on my skin are exactly what I need. That moment on the yoga mat that I opened up my heart to the sky and became willing, that is what I needed all along. Moving the pencil across the paper and through every page of the notebook until the lead is all gone and my heart is all poured, breathing into my belly and feeling the air move through me as the figure eight of an infinity circle up one side of my body, through the middle, and down the other, blowing out the un-ending thoughts with my breath as if they are clouds floating away and relieving me of the burden carrying them all the time, my mind clears. And I am here, and it’s all about now, and finally I can feel it in my body and see it with my eyes without being afraid. And it’s all ok. I feel I belong here now. And my life is deserving of happiness and some time in the sunshine. So I glow. 



    This is vulnerability 
    Knowing even with past hurts, a person can love again and be different 
    Second chances exist 
    People do change 
    And rebuilding is possible 


    I've doubted, I’ve felt triumph, and still we remain

    I was having a fabulous day, then in my strength I decided to go edit all of my march 2009 entries. 


    Now I am pondering everything. How much am I still in the same place I was then? How much has changed? Have I stayed in the same exact madness, thinking it had all changed? Why am I blogging it all? Should I be? Then I realized it’s changed a lot. There are some things that have remained, like financial struggle, some lies, some self medicating hurdles. But also so much more honesty and authenticity. And there are things that have changed, no more infidelity, no more bullying, abuse, or bad tempers taking things out on me or the kids. He’s taken responsibility for his actions. he is seeking outside help for the other stuff that’s looming, and that’s all really good.  

    I guess I am just surprised how long change takes. I guess I feel ashamed that I stayed in a bad relationship. We are taught to leave, but I didn’t. I grappled, struggled, and attempted to make changes. I asked for help, we’ve been in counseling, we’ve progressed, regressed, and repeated. And it’s been hard. 

    I've doubted, I’ve felt triumph, and still we remain. Still we are here. And this is why I am proud: our children have a mom and dad making work together. Maybe we had times when we were not making it, but we found a way to fix it. 

    That is profound. 

    That is why I kept trying, because I love them. I love me too, but there is something I knew during all of this- though my happiness is valuable, it was not the only matter of importance by far. Whether I stayed or left, I needed to do a lot of hard work on myself. It wasn’t just things he needed to do. I had a choice, work on those things in the marriage or out of the marriage. As long as I saw progress, no matter how slow, no matter how often I doubted, as long as the signs pointed in the right direction… I stayed to work on the mess. The mess inside me and the mess in the relationship, and the patience for him to work on the mess inside him. 

    And it’s paying off. 


    and then we wrote the story together...



    Where Your Feet Have Never Walked

    The day was strange, half happy half frustrating. I lay down in exhaustion this evening to catch a breath from taking the kids to classes, grocery shopping, cleaning, washing clothes, managing kid stuff, financial matters, cooking, organizing, and helping with homework. When I stopped to think of how hard this all was today, to ponder how to escape it, I remembered a gift I was given. My husband asked me out today for a drive, he lead me to a refreshing drink and an adventure. He said “I want to take you where your feet have never walked before.”

    Just opposite my favorite spot by a waterfall, he showed me a different perspective across the water. We climbed and shuffled our way through to the river’s edge. I even got a piggyback ride :) My feet had never walked this side, my eyes had never seen from this angle….

    Now I remember, this day wasn’t hard. It was magical. He gave me a gift of smiles, adventure, peace, happiness, fun, and simple time together. I got fussed over and and delighted in it. I loved this day.


    Dance of the Day

    Again, early in the morning along with the sunrise.... we danced. Bonus moment, I got to dance with my 8 year old next as he stood on my toes. It's definitely the little things that add up to happiness... 


    Dance of the Day

    Again, early in the morning along with the sunrise.... we danced. This was the perfect song for today in light of all we are learning about love lately. Enjoy, and dance :)


    It's Been 2 Weeks...

    2 weeks since we began our new ritual, and a lovely one it's been. I have to be honest, I cannot always remember what song I swayed to at 6:00 in the morning, it's sometimes like it's happening in another dimension by the time the rest of the the day has gotten on. And, maybe it is another dimension, just for my husband and I...

    Here is the play list he has acquired thus far, enjoy, and go dance with someone you love! 


    Dance of the Day

    Again, early in the morning along with the sunrise.... we danced


    Dance of the Day

    Again, early in the morning along with the sunrise.... we danced



    Dance of the Day

    Again, early in the morning along with the sunrise.... we danced


    Dance of the Day

    Again, early in the morning along with the sunrise.... we danced


    It's Time To Dance

    Recently we had a conversation about rebuilding and what prevents us from really feeling well. I mentioned, try my best to follow all the techniques, I just don't want to get up in the morning. I was feeling lost at 6am with no real desire to do anything. What do I do? I know what I HAVE to do, but that's boring, that is automatic and done. Begrudgingly. And I want to be happy, ecstatic even, to take on a day. We have entered into a new phase of our lives rebuilding, and though it is a better direction than spiraling into failure and dysfunctional circles,... It. Is. So. Very. Very. Hard. Re-learning how to live everyday in a new way, in relation to one another, and then feel that change translate into all we do in the world is so foreign. It's a constant conscious readjustment. Thankfully, for a time. 

    So she said to me, "I am going to ask you a question and you say the very first thing that pops up in your head without second guessing it." This is our couple's psychobiological therapist, teaching us about attachment and connection and healing. OK, I was ready, so she goes on.. "What is your passion?" "Dance," I say, of course. Then tears pour out, unexpectedly. I miss it in my life, and as I've written before, I lost the ability to feel free on the practice floor. My last show was in 2011. She said to my husband, "Wake her up everyday and dance with her."

    I about had to pick myself up off the floor, and with much anticipation looked at my husband's reaction. Would he possibly say yes? And if he does, will it really happen cus' THAT WOULD RAWK!

    One leg crossed over the other at the knee, his hand to his mouth, elbow leaning on the chair handle... he looked up at me, then to her, and said "Yes." 

    And he did it.

    {photo via We Are Young}


    Dance of the Day

    Again, early in the morning along with the sunrise.... we danced


    Dance of the Day

    Again, early in the morning along with the sunrise.... we danced


    Dance of the Day 

    Again, early in the morning along with the sunrise.... we danced


    To Dance at Dawn

    As the sun rose, the song entered my ears and his embrace brought warmth to my heart.
    I woke up to one dance today before all the kids even opened their eyes.
    I'll never get tired of his arms around me as we sway...

    Today's Dance:

    ♫ The Very Thought Of You – Harry Connick, Jr. 


    This Just in

    Down on one knee my husband asked me to marry him...