This Is Real Life

 Its not just packing lunches for school and snapping beautiful moments of the first missing tooth and other tender milestones,... its dented cars from bicycles, tears, more wrinkles, and in this case- hospital stays. Could we be less fortunate, YES! Is it still easy? No. Amariah is in the picture being nursed back to sober health after being totally snowed with hospital grade drugs to end a long ongoing seizure. Three days later we were released. What can I say, except thank you. Thank you to all the wonderful friends in our lives who showed up. I am grateful and astonished. Our other three children had fun and felt comfortable despite being apart from us as we managed sleeping at the hospital, daddy heading in and out of work, and nuturing our daughter. Becasue of them we could focus 100% of our energy to our little girl, no stress, no guilt. Do you realize what a tremendous gift that is? After our return home, I was nutured by our friends with meals for our family, food staples, help cleaning up, and a maid service gift who came in and cleaned the entire place! Again, pick me up off the floor from happiness and surprise. As a mom, having the ability to ease back into a daily routine after such a stressful health scare is golden. I was able to focus on transitioning her back home, watch how she reacted to her new medication, and reunite with the kids after missing one another so much. What an irreplaceable gift...

Connectivity

I came home after I met her and cried six years worth of relief. My heart lifted and released its anxiety of loneliness. I moved here in 2004 with a child who has multiple disabilities. It is 2010, and until today I had not found a friend to truly connect with, a support group centered around our unique struggles, or a compassionate soul to confide in. That is entirely too long of a time. It was not for lack for trying, believe me. I tried it all. It just wasn’t happening. This is not just an experience, for the community here it is a tragedy.

There were therapists, professionals, doctors, teachers, school administrators, un-supportive family that provided more resistance than understanding, bouts of meeting friends that either excluded me based on religion, education preference, or used drugs and partied too much. I walked away from all of these. Not my fit, and I refused to take less than I expected. I knew what friends were supposed to feel like. They don’t talk behind your back, they don’t judge your every move, they don’t exclude and they don’t use you merely for their gain. And professionals are not your friends. They provide you a service, and they leave. Counselors must be paid to hear your problems or you don’t matter.

For six years I watched my husband fall away from me in his mental illness, my un-connectivity repeat itself attempt after attempt, long distance friends become as far away spiritually as our move created physically…. and myself was all I had left. I could have lost myself in these circumstances , I fought not to. I was all I had. I carried this family emotionally, alone. I was not even sure I could trust in a creator or higher power to really be there anymore. Was that even real to me?

Isolated.

She was a breath of fresh air, no, more than that. She was oxygen to my soul. Even in this moment I am in such shock, processing in my head that it’s actually really happening. Paralyzed to yet reciprocate, I marvel at the miracle of friendship, love, support, care, concern, compassion, and companionship. She held both my hands in between us as I told her in a bit of despair  ”oh my daughter,…. oh and myhusband!,…” and she said,

” you are not alone…”

The Best Day Ever