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    hope that no matter what difficulties arise in family, health, or finances, a family can survive it and get to the other side. 'How' is not just one response, rather it's an evolving idea. Solutions present themselves as you go along the path. As you seek the thing it is you want to achieve, so will an idea come to you. I do not attribute it to a god or a religion, though I may have one or both of those. This is life. Hope. Live with me,... 



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    Entries in dysfunctional relationships (2)


    Disconnected Dots

    {Soundtrack: Pleasure Sighs, The Morning Benders}

    I talked to a friend recently with whom I think we share the same desire: to see a happy ending. To know if this can all be cured, healed, understood, reconciled, and neatly fixed. To know that people with mental illnesses can find what they need to become healthy and functional in relationships. Because, in relationships we create connections,... with lovers and with the children created in those contexts. And when those relationships are are broken, abused, or required to be abandoned because the mental illness destroys it's fabrication- our humanity can all but hope to find a cure. To bring back the dream of what could have been. 

    "What has become, of those simple loves, that came to me once so naturally" 

    When I speak of mental illness, her and I were specifically exploring that of combat ptsd, tbi, and the ramifications of childhood abuse. This seems to be quite a combination we both had in common in our romantic relationship experience. To seek a cure for these I think is entirely possible, and by cure I mean healing. Healing meaning gaining skills to cope and live in healthy terms with others. But in my case I am beginning to wonder if there is deeper problem. Is it possible that there is a pathology underneath all of this, the back bone stringing a commonality to all the events that have occurred? Causing them to re-occur? Preventing healing? More than combat ptsd, but that an earlier childhood abuse pattern created a void of morals and values that became the mainstay in his mind? That all this time I was attracted to and compensated for this void? That would entail not the happiest ending. And indicates I am fighting a losing battle here,... 

    "Here I am again, trying to relearn how to breathe,

    and how easy it sinks and slips away from me" 


    Shabbos Fail 

    Friday night at a fake Mexican restaurant is so far away from the goal of my family it's embarrassing. We are supposed to be sitting in front if a white tablecloth with grape juice and challah,... With homemade food and surrounded by happy family members. I got chips and salsa and no idea when my husband is coming home, cus he's mad and isn't sure he doesn't hate me today, because I write about my life and he hates being exposed. Understandable, yes, but I disagree with his point if view. I think. Idk. I tried backing off him as a subject for awhile, not being so blatant, and If I spoke about us did it from my point of view with more respect. But that didn't help either. He still has the same violent reaction as if I just came on here and said " what a fuckin asshole!" so, what's the point?