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Entries in daughters (2)
My daughter spent the night with a great friend yesterday, " We had brussel sprouts, rice and a chicken leg for dinner, " she told me. I replied " Wow, do they eat like that every night? She has four girls, how does she do it? " And she said, " Ya!, and her mom makes it look real easy, and she cooks, and she's happy too- not like you."
Need I say more? We all know what ours kids see can be so much clearer than what we wish to perceive ourselves. And I thought I had come so far,... but I was sorely reminded that yes, she has seen my life in turmoil. She has seen me in the depths of deep depression, in the throes of anger, in the despair of sadness and loneliness, and in the struggle to keep it all together. And she has seen me fail. I attempted to save myself and said " Well, yeah, when there's company around she is going to be nice." To which she retorts, " No, I talk to my friend everyday, her mom is like that." Double silenced. I just couldn't get past this thought, am I really that 'off'? I felt like I had been running a race I just found out would never end, and lost motivation to keep going. Despite how much I try to get it together, take care of myself and get myself back on track, it's not enough. What's done is done, her opinion is formed, I am in a different category of mom. I am left with a million questions, how bad of a mom have I been? How long have I been unhappy? How much does it show? How much time did our marital turmoil steal from us? What else did I lose besides time? Will I ever be thought of as who I strive to be? I thought I was a good, happy mom. What about who I was before? I thought I was patient, kind, ... doesn't that make me look happy? No, I guess not. Doesn't she know I am happy in so many ways? What are her memories of me like in her head? What am I doing wrong?
adjective ( -pier , -piest )
feeling or showing pleasure or contentment
I was happy when we went to the store together today, we made everything fun and laughed. I was ecstatic the other day after spending time with other adults and we acted goofy the entire evening together. I am silly when I am in the kitchen from time to time, and they all laugh and point. I smile a lot,... don't I? I thought I did.
Happy. What is it? That there may lie the problem. My daughter is right though, and I am glad it fell out of her mouth, I needed to hear her. A part of me thinks I am over thinking this, the other mom and I are just different people with different temperaments and different situations. Plop her mom into my situations and we would see a different demeanor perhaps. But how much am I perpetuating my own scenarios instead of causing real lasting change? Or is change that lasts just a long-term, hard-working, little by little goal that we are headed towards? Now I must go search my soul for further clarity, wondering where I got off track, how I really look to my kids, and find out if there is any way I can turn it around.
I am terrified,...