And So He Went...

Early on a Shabbat (Saturday) morning the kids and I took Daddy to work. Dressed in his desert combat uniform, hauling his packed up A-Bag, this was the final goodbye. Our children- Amariah 6 months, Anthony Jr 3 years, and Alexandria 5 years old, all thought it was another regular day. I am pretty sure I was just in complete shock. We did not spend much time at the unit where all the soldiers were saying their goodbyes, but I admit I drove around aimlessly for another few hours after I kissed him farewell. I kept watching where his airplane was, waiting for it to takeoff. I had to know when his actual presence was no longer on the military base. My heart sank when it lifted into the air, I was completely mortified. I took on this motherly type of despair over him having to leave to Iraq. I knew, even in all of my ignorance, that the ways we felt together, the type of father he was, and his bubbly personality and outlook on life would all change. I was not sure how it would necessarily manifest, or even that there was a guarantee of his return. But the fear of death was not even comparably as strong as the grief I felt over his impending loss of innocence. The anxiety and terror of an unknown change about to commence was deep, heavy, and still with me today because the lingering effects are still sorting themselves out. I was at that moment, and still feel to some degree now, on my own.

During the months of February through June of 2003, we carried on with Amariah as normal. I made fusses over wonderful activities we could all do together, Alexandria started officially home schooling with a structured curriculum as a Kindergartner, and we got our first family computer *gasp.* We had a great friends we did things with often whom to this day we all talk about fondly. When serious tornados came through Ft. Campbell, we slept over in their basement, we attended a NASCAR race, saw Opryland a couple of times, and journeyed to a baseball game in Nashville. Her kids treated mine like family, they taught them things like they were their older brothers and sisters. We all love them dearly. Bonding over a serious deployment is a powerful thing. In between those moments I was glued to the media about the war. Every network had a reporter on site somewhere, and I thought somehow someone must be attached to my husband's truck. I never found one, and hearing all of the stories broadcasted was not proving to be a very good thing. Today, a lot of veterans speak of email communication and phone calls between spouses, neither of which we had. It was the good ole send a letter in the mail deal for my husband and I. Personally, I think this is healthy, and I also think less media coverage is healthy. I continued caring for Amariah as I did my other two children during this time... but come April and May I was beginning to ask questions. Why isn't she as mobile as my other two children were? Why hasn't she learned to roll over yet? She sleeps a lot,... is everything ok? And the doctors began looking harder and started ordering developmental assesments. My husband was fighting a war, pushing through Baghdad and Mosul, and I was about to be given news I never, ever, wanted to hear in my lifetime,... 

*"And So He Went" is a continuation of Her Story, which can be read in it's entirety here.

Be Encouraged

Our G+ community wants to bring you positivity, so we created the “Be Encouraged” section. A place to find thoughts and meditations. Perhaps a place to find a new focus. We believe in Post Traumatic Growth...

Sign in to join here. 

Our Daddy Is Invincible!

"Our daddy is the bravest man we know. We are so glad that he is here to see us grow" 

 Our Daddy Is Invincible! is a book for children and families explaining life after a traumatic brain injury. Written by the wife of wounded veteran LtCol Tim Maxwell, USMC, author Shannon Maxwell puts together a much needed resource for our families, helping to put into words and pictures what so many of us are trying to say to our kids: Everything is going to be ok, and daddy is still daddy. Read the full digital book here.

If you know a family dealing with combat injury, consider purchasing a copy as a gift to send to them. Parents with young children, this may be a good read to sit and share with your child. Remember, it's not about recreating what used to be, but finding the new normal. Thank you Shannon for giving all of us a tool to begin a few very important conversations. 

Mental Health Day

Doggies can have jobs too, which means sometimes they get tummy bugs cus they ate a cricket off the floor that may have had insecticide on it. Or maybe it's just Shabbat. Either way, I think he's enjoying his time. 

Lessons for Heroes and Healers

Lessons for Heroes and Healers is a Google plus community that teaches and supports. Learn tips and share ideas on how to heal from combat experiences.

Rebuilding is a community wide event, this platform is appropriate for anyone involved in bringing about recovery from combat experience: veterans, spouses, family members, and community helpers alike. This is not a catch all group collecting everything that is out there, rather a carefully curated source to filter some of the noise, and share what is the most effective. 

We believe in Post-Traumatic Growth.

Some categories include: 

Getting Organized: Foundational tools to help you set up and prepare for the journey of advocacy and recovery.

Read, Watch, Learn: An articles section that will hold a cache of news, scientific research, opinion, and healing method ideas, all which lend toward growth and recovery.

Gather Your Resources: This section will share organizations, companies, and foundations great to get connected with. We are not meant to do this alone, allow support from others in your life. 

...and more. See for yourself today, contribute to the collective voice what has truly helped you. Do join us. 

Let Me Google That For You

A tip for veterans with service dogs:(and people who see them)

It is not appropriate to ask a person why they have a service dog. Many people approach my husband, who presents very well and looks healthy to others, asking about his. I can tell you, it triggers his PTSD. Very much. If people are curious enough, they can go home and Google it.... The veteran and caregiver are not responsible for educating society one by one.

We often joke about making business cards with the "Let me Google that for you" link on them to give people a clue, just so he doesn't have to talk. It would have a QR code and link that takes you to something like this.

If you are a veteran with a service dog, learn to say no to others who intrude. It is healthy to keep your boundaries and privacy. Practice at home before you are faced with a public situation and rehearse how to use body language and assertive communication to let others know you are not interested in having a conversation.
My husband was taught to put up his hand so a person will stop approaching first, then respond "I prefer not to_____" if a question is asked. 

We have been surprised how many people do not understand how intrusive it is to inquire, but it is challenging us to attain skills of keeping our boundaries, and that is something I am grateful for.

Shaky Ground

I stand somewhere between comfortable abuses and freedom of voice. And I have no idea in this gray space what is right or wrong. 

These are the moments in-between where guessing and assuming reign. Also where questioning my own actions play a one track repeat in my head over and over and over. It’s insidious. 

For years, many years even previous to my marriage and family, this has been boiling. I’ve run and protected myself from past immediate family, seeking safety. Emotional and physical. And the reasons I ran seemed minimal, but perhaps they weren’t so much. And this boiled, and my choice in a husband wasn’t their favorite, and this boiled,… and I had children met with family expressions of disappointment,.. and this boiled. And we struggled and did not do things in the proper order as they saw, and this boiled. And my husband fought a war, and came home a mess, and this boiled. And their feelings about him not being the perfect pick were validated as he fell into turmoil with combat PTSD and TBI,.. and this boiled. And they did not believe me, and those that may have believed me didn’t seem to care. And this boiled…until one day he started getting better. Then “we” started getting better, and I learned so many things about us, myself, our kids and families, as we had struggled. Yet this still boiled. I learned I deserved to be treated well, and my husband deserved the same. And what was happening was they were wanting us to meet all their social expectations without accommodating or even beginning to try understanding our disabilities. And if we did not meet those, we were shamed by them. Thought less of, and put further in a corner. 

I finally decided I was tired of showing up to gatherings treated as the loser. The family member who married “that” guy. The ones who forgot to mail a gift or could’t drive out of town to get together. The ones who forgot to write back or make a call. Ok, fair enough. And I felt as if they thought they were doing us a favor to invite us. We were tolerated, not welcomed. Of course our kids are magical and loved, but I found I was no longer able to step into the same room with these people assuming how they felt, determining this by the energy I received from them. Hell, I am not sure I could ever do that well. The utter silence. The culture of unwelcoming was running rampant. By this time both of my siblings had ceased communication with me, citing their reason as an unreturned email that one time back a long time ago. Really? If that is all it took, there was nothing of a relationship there to hold onto anyway. And really, there wasn’t.

I finally learned, as friends treated me with more compassion and concern than exteneded family through these difficult years, that I was thinking this through all wrong. I learned I was trying so hard to impress and show up for the wrong people. I’ve spent years silent, coping with the horrors of my husband and daughter’s disability alone, without family concern. My husband and I go through this weird PTSD thing when we have to go over to a party or holiday, and it causes us heartache and turmoil. Especially him, though I think he handles it so well, could you imagine? Always showing up somewhere people make it kinda' obvious they hate you? And willingly repeat it? I don’t want him to have to do that any longer. And I don’t want to feel the horrible way I feel after a get together, always re-realizing how much I don’t matter to them as a person. As a sister or daughter. It is all so fake. Follow the protocol of showing up, and shut up is what's expected...”We get to treat you however we want, you are lucky we let you be here. We only think your kids are ok, you suck. You’re here cus’ we want your kids here. You are lucky you are in this family.”

Guess what, no I am not.

I finally said NO this weekend. I won’t go to the next kid's birthday party, because I don’t want to feel the tension that builds up before I go, and the depression afterward. I don’t want to be reminded how much everyone disapproves of my spouse, and dishonors his experiences in the war and in health. I want to save my energy to be happy for my own kids and spouse. And I feel bad for my kids not going, and I’m turning this around in my head. But enough is enough. I have to stand up and say it is not ok anymore. I want to be with those who care, those who possess understanding and compassion for us. Those who are on our side, not against us. Those who have love. 

images by Brave Girls Club

Be Understanding of Your PTSD Family Members and Friends

"I think Christmas is one of the most difficult times of the year for a PTSD family. The one with PTSD is forced to put him or herself into certain trigger situations, simply because it is socially expected of them. Even though most extended family will not try to accommodate their disability. The spouse is then forced to act as a bumper to anything that will trigger them and usually fail because the extended family makes it impossible for success. All the spouse wants is a happy holiday and has waited years for it. Said "failure" to control the environment causes lot of stress on the couple. Please know I'm thinking of each and everyone of you. Both sides of the partnerships. We all deserve a measure of peace." -Shannah 

Depleted...

Husband's newest VA paperwork states, along with a rate increase, 
"Determined to have been exposed to ionizing radiation while in the military" 
This really is not getting any funner.

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