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    hope that no matter what difficulties arise in family, health, or finances, a family can survive it and get to the other side. 'How' is not just one response, rather it's an evolving idea. Solutions present themselves as you go along the path. As you seek the thing it is you want to achieve, so will an idea come to you. I do not attribute it to a god or a religion, though I may have one or both of those. This is life. Hope. Live with me,... 



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    Entries in changes (6)


    Little Tired Flower... 

    "We have to trust that when we let go of things that we love very much that we are still going to become exactly who we are meant to become" 




    Wondrous Unknowns 

    The end of so many things came today.

    I watch my lovely female rabbi leave our community and drive across the country to her new home with her lovely family, as she posts her journey travelling there. One of the few I can count on one hand who embraced Sheme and loved us all as we are. Unafraid.
    I saw Sheme dance and sing with her summer camp for the last time today before school starts, realizing this warm loving place has been so special for her. Wishing her dad was here along side me to see this moment where she's a part of something. Contributing. Counted. Happy. 
    I see Zoe do a wonderful job as a counselor, doing excellent at her first job, shining, and creating joy for herself in this position. I don't want that to end as school starts. She feels so good here, and so frustrated there.
    I look on as Marco finishes his last year at summer camp, which must be bittersweet for him too. 
    As nerdy and corny as this sounds, I attend my last class for the summer and it makes me sad. I always hate leaving, I love the learning and the classroom so much, I never want to go. 
    And I saw an end to the man I once knew, the frustrated, angry, restless one. He loved me even in his anger and fear. That's the kind of love I've known for 18 years. Now what? 
    I get how we wish for good change and still don't know how to act when it happens. We aren't supposed to know, we are supposed to learn how. I get that too, I hope my loved ones understand that. 
    It's a sad day, each Shabbat, to make dinner and have only part of the family here. I know it's part of life. Someday my kids will be away, one by one, creating their own traditions apart from these here.  
    I just can't always process these feelings of change, missing, sadness, and wondrous unknowns. Today they are many and heavy. I hide from the comfort of community, feeling too vulnerable these past few months, isolating in what I perceive as protection. Knowing who to trust has become a tricky game. Sometimes, just sometimes, I want to be in his arms listening to his voice vibrate through his chest telling me it's ok. He cannot be here right now, and I even feel guilty for wanting him back. So many ends, which began and completed without him. Such a strange feeling to go through a cycle on our own. 


    I Asked for It, and It Came. Change.

    "Now let me at the truth which will refresh my broken mind" 

    All of the pressure, the hot box of intensity that constantly surrounded me every single leaving. So often my written words have personified the turmoil and instability of relationship. I had so much conflict to explore and dissect, to sort out and discern meaning from. And then, he left. Slowly, the pressure came off piece by tiny piece. Slowly I began to feel my own self again and stop repairing someone else. Then, I could breathe. So, I traveled for five days on business, and reflected. More than reflecting, I relaxed and was reminded what it should feel like to   really.   live.   life. Wholly. To feel what peace, harmony, relationship, and beauty truly are again. So often we get caught up in our own perceptions, even if they are wrong, and brand them as ultimate unchanging truth. 

    "Cus I need freedom now and I need to know how to live my life as it's meant to be" 

    Now I go back into that world with new perspective and expect something different. No more tolerance, but a time to repave the path to life. To living unharnessed and full of everything that is loving. Why do we decide to live our lives in abuses, in isolation, in shame, or in hurt? Why am I so fortunate to break free? And how eternally thankful I am, to see what I can now see... 

    "But I will hold on hope, and I won't let you choke on the noose around your neck, and I'll find strength in pain...."

    {Soundtrack: The Cave }


    From the Jello 

    'The freedom we seek is to use our own mind and body, to live our own life, instead of the life of the belief system' 

    {Soundtrack: Duet }

    So I decided, this is it. I want off the ride. And I spoke to him about it. I sat in my laundry room for two hours trying to decide what to do when he got back home. I am not sure what I was saying,.. did I want out altogether or just off the cycle, even if he got off with me? Somehow, he listened. He wanted to hear what I was saying even though it was difficult.

    The cycle of abuse, the merry go round of some people's lives, and I was living it. This merry go round has gotten slower and slower over the past six years, and less and less intense, but it still had it's pattern. I finally explained to him what it was, how it works, and why I thought we were on it. I never realized we had not discussed this before. Perhaps the word was spilled out in passing, but never taken seriously. I had brought it up to not so great marriage counselors who brushed it off. Everyone had been too afraid to say it. And in talking about it, nothing bad happened. He considered my thoughts and took those to trusted advisors to ask more questions on his own. *gasp* Could this really be working? One day later, and it is still ok. The air is cleared, the heaviness gone, and as my daughter would say, " You're no longer stuck in jello." 

    I must admit, the relationship feels so different today it's completely foreign. Systems are breaking down and patterns are being re-written. I am in anticipation, fear, shock, and almost unbelief of what is gong on. My mind comprehends, my body physiologically doesn't understand yet, and my heart still guarded. I really did not see this coming... 

    "The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives" Anthony Robbins


    Suddenly, Off Track

    All I can say is I feel lost,... not sure what is the next right step, the proper decision to make, or what to focus on. Do I clear the slate, put all my eggs in the marriage basket, invest in motherhood, or build a resume. Volunteer for this, help with that, or just be simple with my time. There is always so much to consider, that trying to attempt anything not entirely necessary is just too much effort anymore. I want to feel alive, inspired, free, and lovely. And all I want to do is continue to develop my passion. Even that is becoming so far out of reach...


    Sharing Children

    For many years, we chose to educate our kids at home. About ten years of teaching four kids, at different grade levels, one with extra needs to accommodate her disabilities. Ten years of researching, planning, teaching, learning, structuring, scheduling, and multitasking to its ultimate. I liked it, for a time, and then it became hard. The difficulty was managing the emotional upkeep it took to maintain four little souls, a marriage, special needs, myself, the home, and the failing mental health of my husband. So with great hesitation I enrolled my children into school a year ago. I was a bit devastated, I wanted my kids at home, I wanted to teach them, I wanted a different kind of home and family. But it wasn't in the cards for us that way, something HAD to give, somewhere. I was worried about a couple of things when beginning our journey in school, the negative social pressure and the loss of time with my kids. I was not worried about their education or academic standards- we moved close to an excellent school for this very reason, in case we needed one. I also had the skills to supplement their education if need be, and had planned to regardless.Well,...

    The real change came in August of 2009,... the start to a year of school with every single child attending from kinder up to fifth grade and a new diagnosis for my husband of TBI and PTSD. And there I was , home,... alone,...and it was very silent. I thought, " Oh my gawsh! I am going to get so much done now, the house will be clean, I'll visit school, I will have all this time, I can manage finances and be so SUPER AWESOME!" But the silence of my surroundings allowed me to think, uninterrupted, for hours. And everything came up: realizations, facts, understanding, doubt, questions,...anything and everything that had gone on the past twelve years was beginning to process all at once. Other moms would ask me "What DO you do ALL day now that the kids are in school!?" I just stared blankly, not knowing what on earth to say.

    "And there I was , home,... alone,...and it was very silent."

    Nothing. I do nothing,... and I feel so busy doing nothing it's really packing my schedule. I am recovering, I am regaining strength, I am finally slowing down enough to think, I am planning in my head, I am observing, I am coping, I am soaking in the relief of less responsibility, I am searching. Thats what I am doing. As for those plans to be at the school all the time and use my domesticating superpowers, that did not happen either. I quickly began to hide from the school, the teachers, and the neighbors. I still did not feel like I belonged there. I was so overwhelmed with the flood of years, emotions, and change. Such big change. I attended one place regularly, my haven, my safety,.. and that was all I did. There I began to re-learn the value of community, I watched others participate in community from the sidelines, I saw the strength of others who had community, and then I chose.


    After homeschooling on my own in Austin without that great of a support network around me, someone else who wanted to educate and help our kids was a welcome relief. Here is that moment I learned we all need community to survive. We had tried for five years, since we moved here, to do this on our own. If I wasn't making good connections with friends, I kept going. If I wasn't connecting in a home-school group,.. I just pressed on and kept educating. But it wasn't getting better, it was getting harder. I learned no matter what we are choosing to do, be single and work or raise a huge family, none of us can do it alone. The value we have gained in surrounding ourselves with an academic community, a spiritual community, and friends, is unmeasurable. It is everything. There may be downfalls to the school system, but it isn't anything we cannot overcome together with the strength of our community.

    "We all need community to survive"

    I just walked away from a kindergarten conference at our school and was given, GIVEN!, so many tools, outlines, ideas, and support to practice skills with my son over the summer. And I feel *so not alone* anymore. My kids are incredibly happy and love their teachers. They need other people besides us, and that was the biggest thing. They can have other adults to lean on besides just me. I had taken on the responsibility to be their only source for so long, it wasn't possible. That is not how I believe it should be, who am I to be all things to a person? I cannot express how incredibly thankful I am for their education and support from our schools. Home-schoolers can tend to demonize the system and its teachers so much, but I am here to tell you they are just people. And they are fairly reasonable and happy to do whatever it takes to help your child learn and grow. What a wonderful thing. We are fortunate to live in a great district with a great school, and it makes all the difference. We are all fortunate to have the freedom of choice to do whatever is best for ourselves and our families,... and that is the most amazing thing.

    ...La Chaim