For many years, we chose to educate our kids at home. About ten years of teaching four kids, at different grade levels, one with extra needs to accommodate her disabilities. Ten years of researching, planning, teaching, learning, structuring, scheduling, and multitasking to its ultimate. I liked it, for a time, and then it became hard. The difficulty was managing the emotional upkeep it took to maintain four little souls, a marriage, special needs, myself, the home, and the failing mental health of my husband. So with great hesitation I enrolled my children into school a year ago. I was a bit devastated, I wanted my kids at home, I wanted to teach them, I wanted a different kind of home and family. But it wasn't in the cards for us that way, something HAD to give, somewhere. I was worried about a couple of things when beginning our journey in school, the negative social pressure and the loss of time with my kids. I was not worried about their education or academic standards- we moved close to an excellent school for this very reason, in case we needed one. I also had the skills to supplement their education if need be, and had planned to regardless.Well,...
The real change came in August of 2009,... the start to a year of school with every single child attending from kinder up to fifth grade and a new diagnosis for my husband of TBI and PTSD. And there I was ,...at home,... alone,...and it was very silent. I thought, " Oh my gawsh! I am going to get so much done now, the house will be clean, I'll visit school, I will have all this time, I can manage finances and be so SUPER AWESOME!" But the silence of my surroundings allowed me to think, uninterrupted, for hours. And everything came up: realizations, facts, understanding, doubt, questions,...anything and everything that had gone on the past twelve years was beginning to process all at once. Other moms would ask me "What DO you do ALL day now that the kids are in school!?" I just stared blankly, not knowing what on earth to say.
"And there I was ,...at home,... alone,...and it was very silent."
Nothing. I do nothing,... and I feel so busy doing nothing it's really packing my schedule. I am recovering, I am regaining strength, I am finally slowing down enough to think, I am planning in my head, I am observing, I am coping, I am soaking in the relief of less responsibility, I am searching. Thats what I am doing. As for those plans to be at the school all the time and use my domesticating superpowers, that did not happen either. I quickly began to hide from the school, the teachers, and the neighbors. I still did not feel like I belonged there. I was so overwhelmed with the flood of years, emotions, and change. Such big change. I attended one place regularly, my haven, my safety,.. and that was all I did. There I began to re-learn the value of community, I watched others participate in community from the sidelines, I saw the strength of others who had community, and then I chose.
After homeschooling on my own in Austin without that great of a support network around me, someone else who wanted to educate and help our kids was a welcome relief. Here is that moment I learned we all need community to survive. We had tried for five years, since we moved here, to do this on our own. If I wasn't making good connections with friends, I kept going. If I wasn't connecting in a home-school group,.. I just pressed on and kept educating. But it wasn't getting better, it was getting harder. I learned no matter what we are choosing to do, be single and work or raise a huge family, none of us can do it alone. The value we have gained in surrounding ourselves with an academic community, a spiritual community, and friends, is unmeasurable. It is everything. There may be downfalls to the school system, but it isn't anything we cannot overcome together with the strength of our community.
"We all need community to survive"
I just walked away from a kindergarten conference at our school and was given, GIVEN!, so many tools, outlines, ideas, and support to practice skills with my son over the summer. And I feel *so not alone* anymore. My kids are incredibly happy and love their teachers. They need other people besides us, and that was the biggest thing. They can have other adults to lean on besides just me. I had taken on the responsibility to be their only source for so long, it wasn't possible. That is not how I believe it should be, who am I to be all things to a person? I cannot express how incredibly thankful I am for their education and support from our schools. Home-schoolers can tend to demonize the system and its teachers so much, but I am here to tell you they are just people. And they are fairly reasonable and happy to do whatever it takes to help your child learn and grow. What a wonderful thing. We are fortunate to live in a great district with a great school, and it makes all the difference. We are all fortunate to have the freedom of choice to do whatever is best for ourselves and our families,... and that is the most amazing thing.
...La Chaim
Wednesday, May 4, 2011 at 11:26AM 
All of the pressure, the hot box of intensity that constantly surrounded me every single day....is leaving. So often my written words have personified the turmoil and instability of relationship. I had so much conflict to explore and dissect, to sort out and discern meaning from. And then, he left. Slowly, the pressure came off piece by tiny piece. Slowly I began to feel my own self again and stop repairing someone else. Then, I could breathe. So, I traveled for five days on business, and reflected. More than reflecting, I relaxed and was reminded what it should feel like to really. live. life. Wholly. To feel what peace, harmony, relationship, and beauty truly are again. So often we get caught up in our own perceptions, even if they are wrong, and brand them as ultimate unchanging truth. 
