History and Memory

I was re-publishing old posts on my new blog platform today, reading through them as I went. A part of me felt so silly, these very beginning days of sharing my life seemed pointless and immature. It made me wonder if what I wrote today was still as undeveloped and random. Probably. Truth is I kinda like it that way. I never want to approach writing as a marketer, or as a platform for being noticed. I just want to write. I love building community around stories and remembering my history. Without these in the moment feelings jotted down, as revealing and embarrassing as they can be, I wouldn't accurately recall these moments. I couldn't so vividly remember how it tasted, felt, smelled, what it sounded like, or how it occurred. Memory is a fuzzy thing, always changing in our minds as time passes.
I ask myself, do I keep doing this? What is the value to others? If it's only for me I could just be journaling in my little diary, holding onto those things myself. But something tells me, even though I don't entirely get it, it's just something I must do.

"What's Your Point?"

Losing myself. Realizing why everyone keeps bringing up the courage thing about writing publicly. It is starting to hit me. Just the way being honest with people makes you vulnerable in real life, so does writing honestly and publicly the same. And even more so, there's a wider audience that can fuck with you through their knowledge of what you've disclosed. It's like having a relationship with the entire world, allowing yourself to be seen for what you are everyday. When engaging people online through this channel, it's an exercise in trusting intuition, and actually acting on it instead of telling it to be quiet. 

I am realizing how lost I've become over the course of all of this. What I thought was bringing me closer to my truth might be pulling me away, and what I thought was pulling me away might have been what kept me close. Was it the writing, the life events, the painful circumstances, being seen, or just the natural flow of growing older? Not sure what's drawn me away. 

I'm so confused I can't even type straight.